“…Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34
The past ten years or so have been very emotionally trying for me. Almost completely overwhelming. To quote Marvin Gaye, “hang ups, let downs, bad breaks, set backs,” not to mention death after death. I’ve experienced enough to break the strongest of soldiers. Recently I started reading old journals circa 1990-to the present. Even though it has been painful recalling certain events, I felt it necessary to do. In a sense I am trying to understand how I got to the place I’m in.
I immediately noticed that I was filled with self-loathing, low self-esteem, and worth. My soul cringed regarding the lowly, ugly thoughts I held about myself. I have no idea how my vision became so distorted over time.
Sadly I have felt this way the vast majority of my life. It has weighed me down considerably and I’m ready to be free from the burden. It is too much for me to bare.
For a long while I thought I could rid myself of the baggage. I believed that only I could fix the broken pieces that composed my life. However, this way of thinking only served to prolong my agony.
Exhausted, I’m handing it over to the only One who can make me whole. It soon dawned on me that since the very inception of my life, I’ve always been beautiful and valuable to God. He has loved me with an everlasting love. I have been the apple of His eye even before I was placed in my precious mother’s womb. He made no mistakes with me-the Master Creator fashioned me exactly the way He wanted me. Oily skin, poor vision, imperfect bite, stony heart, terribly impatient nature and all-I AM LOVED. No matter what others may think or say about me, despite my financial status, or the number of degrees I have, He loves me all the same, all the time.
But my faith has been buoyed because I truly believe that He will remove all of the negative thoughts that have crowded my head, past and present. And He wants to do this for me. Yes, ME who has felt so unworthy, so unwanted, so undeserving, so broken, so lost, so used, so betrayed for far too long. I now know that only He can straighten out this tangled mess of emotional and mental dysfunction that has been a steady, but unwanted presence clouding my vision. God, the ultimate Physician, can heal me as no other can. I believe with all my might that I have the faith that will free me.