Abba

“I will be a father to the fatherless.”  Psalm 68:5

I am a fatherless child, a truth painful to admit. I don’t know much about him at all. I have a name, but I can’t be sure that he is my biological father. It was a topic that my mother staunchly elected not to discuss. This issue has been a constant source of heartache, hurt, insecurity, and embarrassment for me. I was all too conscious of the fact that I did not even bear his last name.

I spent years fantasizing about this father of mine. I knew I had one for the sole reason of biologics and reproduction. I wasn’t some bizarre creation birthed without the assistance of a male counterpart. So I reasoned that I had to have one out there somewhere on the face of the earth. I wondered incessantly about him. Did I look like him? Did I have any of his mannerisms? Was there a reason that he did not want to be involved in my life? Was he ashamed of me? Did he have other kids that he favored more?

When I got older, I wanted to know him for a more practical purpose such as being privy to my full medical history. I also wanted my kids to have a grandfather. And plainly put, I wanted a father of my own. I wanted to say “Daddy” and have someone answer. I wanted someone to run to when life got tough. I wanted to see him, touch him, know him.

Sometimes I was able to find comfort knowing that God knew exactly who he was and where he was. But then I’d start wondering why God didn’t reveal him to me? Why didn’t He arrange for us to meet and have a happy ending?

I still struggle my fatherless state to this very day, although I’ve learned to accept the fact that I may never know him in this lifetime. In the meanwhile I look to Jehovah to be the father that I’ve never had. His Word promises just that. It requires much faith as He is not physically present, which is hard for me being that I am logical and practical. I want to see to believe. If I can’t see it, why it mustn’t exist. I just have to exercise my faith that He will be my strength and my provision.

He knew ahead of time that I would be fatherless, and because of that, has held a special place in His heart for me. “Though my father…forsake me, the Lord will receive me” Psalm 27:10. I believe I have the best paradigm of a father. He cares for me unconditionally. He chastises me out of love and provides for me with honor. He beckons me to lay my burdens on Him. I am his beloved daughter and sent His Son to shine brightly on me. I bask in His radiant, life-giving light.

The Bible urges us to call out to Him “Abba! Father! ” because we are his children through the adoption spoke of throughout scripture. However, unlike my earthly father (whomever he may be) my Heavenly Father will never leave nor forsake me.

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